When Molly Lambert, 22, was a teenager, she began experiencing intense and distressing intrusive thoughts. At 15, she had intrusive thoughts that made her terrified she could be a danger to others. Molly believed she was a pedophile, before learning that what she was actually struggling with was a form of OCD.
“I thought OCD was cleaning and tidying; that wasn’t me at all,” Molly says, according to UNILAD. “The more controlling forms of OCD like mine are the ones we don’t talk about.”
OCD, or obsessive-compulsive disorder, “features a pattern of unwanted thoughts and fears known as obsessions,” according to the Mayo Clinic. “These obsessions and compulsions get in the way of daily activities and cause a lot of distress.”
Symptoms vary in severity, but for some, the illness can be severely disabling. In Molly’s case, she learned she was suffering from pOCD — a form of OCD characterized by unwanted, distressing intrusive thoughts involving children.
What is pOCD?
Dr. Jordan Levy, a licensed clinical psychologist specializing in anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder, including violent and sexual obsessions, explains (as cited in The OCD Newsletter): “Experiencing taboo thoughts like these is one of the most common, yet lesser-known, manifestations of OCD.”
“An individual suffering with pOCD will experience intrusive thoughts or images (spikes) accompanied by terrorizing anxiety. The OCD has the ability to produce doubt or question memories, real or imagined.”
Molly describes a constant state of fight or flight. She had difficulties eating properly, struggled to sleep, and was terrified of her “dark” thoughts.
“I genuinely thought I was a pedophile,” Molly says. “No matter what you’re worrying about, it’s the same brain process each time, but when it’s that deep, and such a horrid thought, the shame is unbearable.”
“It felt like I was in a war with myself”
Her OCD symptoms began early.
“I always had OCD traits,” Molly says. “I had graphic images about death; I was scared of everything.”
Things worsened after an unsettling incident at the airport while traveling with her family: “I saw a little girl wearing a crop top and short skirt and thought, ‘That’s weird for a child to wear that,'” she says. “And then I panicked — ‘Why would I even notice that? Why would I think about that? She’s a child.'”
It is important to note that a person suffering from pOCD is not a pedophile. Dr. Levy emphasizes (as cited in The OCD Newsletter): “The diagnosis of pedophilia has absolutely nothing to do with the diagnosis of pOCD. Despite this clear distinction, your pOCD will undoubtedly be persuading you that you belong in the true pedophile category rather than the pOCD category, and that your therapist doesn’t really understand or your therapist is wrong.”
“An individual living with pOCD is no more likely to be a pedophile than an individual who does not have pOCD. This is a disorder of anxiety and uncertainty, not sexual urges and behaviors. In regards to pOCD, the primitive worry-brain has randomly selected this theme as the topic that feels like it must be resolved immediately.”
Readers experiencing similar symptoms are encouraged to consult a licensed mental health professional for personal guidance.
Today, Molly receives professional help to manage her OCD and wants to help others struggling with the same thing.
“Getting all of that outside of me was the biggest part of my journey,” she says. “It felt like I was in a war with myself, but now I knew what I was fighting.”
“My brain can still say, ‘You’re a pedophile,’ but now I can tell myself that’s not true.”
Where to get help
On the topic of mental health and suicide, don’t be afraid to ask for help. If you, or someone you know, is struggling, you can call or text 988 or chat at 988lifeline.org. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting MHA to 741741, or contact the SAMHSA Disaster Distress Helpline at 1-800-985-5990.
If your distress feels unbearable, or if you have suicidal thoughts or plans, contact a psychiatric emergency unit immediately or call 911.
For more information about available resources, visit Mental Health America at mhanational.org.
Featured Image Credit: SWNS
